


Goop is Another Term for Dumb Rich People

by RiddlePanda



Category: South Park
Genre: Coffee enemas, M/M, Other characters are there but not relevant, Tweek for once isn't a twitchy anxious mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 18:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13300893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiddlePanda/pseuds/RiddlePanda
Summary: A new product involving coffee is discovered and Tweek is having none of it.





	Goop is Another Term for Dumb Rich People

**Author's Note:**

> So Goop is a real site created by Gyweneth Paltrow and is one of the most insane "rich people" spiritual wellness and detox sites that my friends and I make fun of on a regular basis. What I mention in the story are actual products you can buy, for quite a pretty penny. There's legit a felt dog toy that's $50 that you can make yourself for about $1 kind of stuff. 
> 
> The device that is mentioned is called the Implant-O-Rama. Look it up and look up the Goop site if you dare.

None of them remembered when it started, but every month, all manners between the guys and girls went out the window and everyone would gather at Token’s to laugh at Goop.

Goop was the invention of Gwyneth Paltrow as some sort of spiritual wellness cleansing. The woman had invaded their town and tried brainwashing all the women in town in their Freshman year to follow Goop advice and buy the overpriced products. Her plan didn’t work as she had planned, the men were brainwashed instead, but Sheila Broflovski had rallied all the women in town to run Gwyneth out of town. Since then, she had become a joke to the town.

Nothing was too gross or off limits to them when it came to Goop, be it Clyde and Bebe nearly passing out from laughing at the “Jade egg you stick up your hoo-ha” to Butters making everyone promise that his mom was actually using a cashmere scarf and glove set he made himself instead of the near three hundred dollar set his dad had bought her that was shoved in the back of the closet because his mom hated Goop as much as the kids did.

It was time for another round of making fun of the website. The group gathered around in Token’s huge bedroom as Token clicked on the website and scrolled down at the new content before reading it aloud. His smile began to wane and he furrowed his eyebrows as he read the last article for the night, his eyes starting to glaze over as he tried to process what he was reading.

He glanced over to Tweek before shaking his head. “Uh…we’re… we’re not doing this one.”

Clyde laughed and punched Token’s arm. “Dude, remember! Nothing is off limits! We read about the herb pouch girls can stick up their “lady parts” so it can’t be that bad!”

Token shook his head again. “Clyde. No. Drop it. We’re done.”

Wendy rolled her eyes and yanked the laptop out of Token’s hands. She glanced at the page and scoffed. “The Implant-O-Rama? It’s just a detox bottle for enema use. It’s nothing special. It’s not like it’s-”

Token sighed. “Wendy, keep reading.”

“It’s a simple way to do enemas, be it water, nutrients, or…”

Wendy looked up at Tweek then back to the article. “Um…yeah. Token’s right. Let’s not…do this one. It’s just an enema bottle. Nothing special.”

Cartman grumbled and grabbed the laptop, looking at the article. “What the hell is everyone’s problem on this!? It’s not like they’re using it for something weird like…coffee…”

The boy’s eyes grew wide as he read the offending word, looking up sharply to look at Tweek mid-sip of his coffee. “People give themselves coffee enemas!?”

The very thing that Token had initially tried to avoid happened and the entire group was coated with the caramel vanilla latte Tweek had been drinking as well as his spit.

“WH-WHAT!? WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?”

Craig grabbed Tweek before he lunged at Cartman. While it would have been hilarious to see the blonde beat the fat boy to a pulp, Token’s very expensive laptop was still in Cartman’s hands. There would be no way to even begin to pay it off and still be able to pay for the apartment the two would be sharing with Clyde during college.

Craig waited until Tweek was calm enough to let the boy go, the blonde slowly breathing as his eyes were closed. Tweek reached out his hand to Token, who had taken his laptop back.

“Let me see the article.”

“Tweek…”

“Look, I’m okay. I’m okay. Just…let me see.”

Token reluctantly handed the laptop to Tweek. The room was silent as Tweek began reading, rolling his eyes as he gripped his coffee thermos tighter.

“What a load of fucking shit! Coffee is a fucking acid, especially with what my parents put in the coffee at work. You’d no sooner melt your fucking colon than detox the damn thing. Why do you guys thing I started diluting my coffee with creamers and flavors? I nearly destroyed my esophagus in Seventh Grade because of drinking this shit black!”

Kyle’s eyes widened. “Is that why you hardly talked that year? We thought you were going through puberty like the rest of us and were embarrassed.”

Tweek shook his head. “Horrible acid reflux. Dad learned real quick that it was better for me to not drink coffee and let it heal, than have a mute son that threw around fifty pound bags of coffee beans like they were nothing because I couldn’t express myself by talking.”

The blonde sipped his coffee. “Dad better not fucking buy one of these. I fucking swear.”

——————————–

Due to Craig's influence and life changing decisions when he was younger, it was now rare for Tweek to twitch except under extreme stress or annoyance. He stared at the box on his bed, the Goop label plastered all over the offending cardboard.

“No.”

He heard shuffling behind him and slowly turned around to see his dad smiling in the doorway. His eye twitched.

“Ah son, you found what I bought you. I saw it on the Goop website and read the article and it just seems like the perfect thing for you since you can’t drink black coffee regularly anymore. And it has several detoxing benefits. I think it’ll be-”

Tweek picked up the box and pushed past his dad, heading down the stairs and into the kitchen. “Mom! Dad’s buying Goop products again!”

His mom turned around angrily and glared at the box in Tweek’s hands as Richard came running in.

“Honey, it’s not-”

“Richard! How many times have I told you that website is nothing but trashy overpriced products and inaccurate medical information!?”

“But honey, it’s for Tw-”

“Dad bought a device to easily administer coffee enemas.”

Tweek placed the box on the counter. “I don’t know why dad would leave it in my room except to hide it from you mom since he knows you hate Goop. I certainly know it can’t be for me since the enemas are supposed to be black coffee and you both know I can’t have coffee without something to neutralize the acid in it.”

The blonde turned around and smiled sweetly at his dad. “And uh, I know I’m eighteen but there are just some things I really really don’t want to know about my parents and your sex life. I really don’t want to know my parents are into kinky stuff. Please wait until I’m at Craig’s or something before using this. And also remember to throw that coffee out. I don’t want to accidentally drink butt coffee.”

Tweek’s mom carefully opened the box, taking out the glass bottle and hoses. “Coffee enemas huh? Tweek honey, do you think you can go over to Craig’s a little early? And spend the night? The shop will be closed tomorrow so you don’t have to work either.”

Tweek smiled and nodded. “I’ll head over there now. Love you!”

——————————–

“Honey! This wasn’t what- Honey! The coffee is supposed to be col- OH GOD IT BURNS!”

Tweek took a sip of his peppermint mocha and smirked, walking away from his house to head to Craig’s as the screams of his dad resonated loudly throughout the neighborhood.


End file.
